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Neurodivergent friendly ideas to help make celebrations a success for the whole family

May 01, 2023

Family life can be busy and chaotic, you may feel like you are constantly juggling to try and keep some kind of balance just to get through the day and avoid a crisis. Changes to everyday routines such as celebration days and events can be difficult for neurodivergent people to manage and get more complex within a family situation. With the upcoming King's Coronation, long Bank Holiday weekend, and what may feel like a never-ending stream of celebrations with your own family and friend's birthday parties, weddings, and everything else, it can feel daunting and overwhelming.

If your family or children are neurodivergent then their specific needs will be different to
others and differences need consideration. It may help to flip your way of thinking towards a more affirming perspective. This will enable you to have a more flexible approach, and over time could help to make things easier for everyone.

You might feel like you sometimes need to make excuses, end up cancelling plans at the last minute or leaving places early due to either your own energy levels or anxiety or your
children's capacity to manage, or both. It may feel like you have just about 'survived' the
actual event but are then left feeling burnt out having to support your children afterwards.
This article will explore some neurodivergent friendly ideas that will not only help the whole family 'get through' a celebration, but will also provide some ideas to ensure everyone can enjoy and join in a celebration in a way that is right for them.

Celebrations and Parties
There can be a great deal of uncertainty around parties and celebrations. If we can lower the uncertainty and prepare children in advance it will help lower their anxiety and will be easier for everyone. Celebrations often involve having to adapt to change, such as sensory changes (clothes, food, noise) and adapting to a change of expectations surrounding social & communication demands.

To put this into a context that may be familiar to some people, imagine you have bought new clothes for your child but on the day of the party they won't even touch them, let alone wear them. After a lot of negotiation, your child may finally get dressed, but then you need to overcome the hurdles of hair brushing and putting shoes on. After a potentially stressful time and managing to gather your whole family into the car you may feel you have ‘won’ one battle. Your child is finally dressed in clothes you feel are suitable for the occasion and you are on the way to the party. Hurdle one has been achieved, but you are now late arriving and feeling stressed, your child is likely to becoming increasingly dysregulated if they are not comfortable in their clothes and....you can probably see where this is heading!

Can’t, not won't
Fortunately, there are things we can do as parents /carers to help prevent or reduce the
likelihood of sensory/social overload and burnout. A change of mindset and a flexible low
demand approach can help both your autistic /PDA child, and the rest of the family have a more successful and happy time together. Instead of seeing your child as the problem because they wouldn't get dressed, and have made you late and are now being 'picky' with their food, have a think about what could be changed in the environment and through the way you connect with your child to make it easier.

If you, your child, or family are neurodivergent, the scaffolding needed for a party to be a
success can be exhausting. It is important to acknowledge all the hard work that is needed and give you all time before and after an event to rest and recover. It may help to plan some cushioning time into your diary and allow space either side of an
event or celebration to prepare and store up energy ready for the event and also afterwards to recover. This will help prevent (or lessen the severity) of sensory social overload and burnout experiences. Everyone wants parties and celebrations to be a success, if people don’t understand your family’s needs, then they can’t make any changes, having a chat with people could help everyone work out a more flexible plan that works for everyone.

Working together as a family
Working together and discussing what the celebration will be like beforehand may help ease anxiety and prepare your children. It may help to show them photos of where you are going and who will be there so they know what to expect. If the party is in your own house then involving them in setting up any decorations will help them not only feel involved but is a gentle way to introduce the changes. It will be important to keep one area of your house (possibly their own room or a den) unchanged so they have their own safe familiar space to go to if things feel too much. If your children are able, then it is a good idea to talk with them about what to wear, what to take, and strategies or what to do if things start to feel too much.

Being involved with the preparation will give your child a sense of autonomy and control and reduce anxiety.

Some people use a code word, or have a small item or use a signal of some kind with their children so that if they are anxious, they can say the code word, pass you their specific item and you will know that they need extra support. You may want to practice using this at home first or when in a more familiar situation. It is a way to show you listen, care and understand, acting on signals they share when they are starting to feel overwhelmed could not only avoid a crisis in that moment but could help prevent a more severe burnout or crisis later too. For younger children or those with communication difficulties this may mean you need to look out for these signs and keep ‘reading’ the situation and using your own judgement.

Many autistic people will mask to try and fit in, this is exhausting and is only manageable for short periods before it feels too much, and it can lead to sensory / social overload
(meltdown /shutdown) and burnout. It is good to talk about how to manage this with your
children and let them know if things feel too much then it is ok for them to tell you. Remind them that you will always listen to them and can leave early if needed.

Having a flexible approach and a trusting relationship is important and sometimes just
knowing there is that flexibility and understanding helps relieve some of the pressure.
Sharing stories about your own difficulties or sensory differences can help too so they know they are not alone.

Adopting a low demand approach
A low demand approach is about being flexible in the way you meet your children's needs. A low demand approach can help strength trust and deepen understanding, it is about listening to needs in the moment and adapting to the situation. It is not about 'giving in' to your children's needs, rather it is about meeting needs and being flexible. Sometimes even the most flexible approach will not work for either of you in the moment, you can’t predict or plan for every eventuality and circumstance. However, a low demand approach will help deepen trust, understanding and provide a better foundation of support to help you work through things together. It will help to ensure situations don’t escalate as often or as frequently, and overtime with consistency things may become a bit easier for you both.

In a party situation, for your children to feel regulated they may need time doing a familiar
activity they enjoy or engaging with their special interest. This can help ease anxiety and may be an opportunity for others to join in with them too. Being engaged and entering a ‘flow state’ can help regulate the sensory system, for some children this may involve playing on their phones or gaming. A short walk or run around outside may also help give space and time to re-set. Pushing for children to stay 'just' a bit longer will often have repercussions at some point. People only have capacity to manage so much sensory, social and communication input before it gets too much, and you reach overload.

Thinking of the best ways to lower the anxiety and arousal levels not just for your children but also for yourself can help avoid a crisis. Much of our stress and anxiety comes from the demands we place upon ourselves by trying to fit in and conform to our perceived expectations of others.

Listed below are some more ideas that may help your celebration be more successful:

Flexibility
As a general rule it is good to try and apply the word ‘flexibility’ in front of everything (time,space, clothes, food, expectations)!

It will help if you try and predict some difficulties and think of ways you can manage certain situations before you get there so you are prepared. Having a plan B, C, D (or X, Y, Z!), will help you feel calmer and more in control.

Sensory
To be able to enjoy any occasion your mind and body need to be regulated. In an unfamiliar situation or during a celebration it is likely that there will be a lot more sensory input and overwhelm from all the noise, people, food and general partying. Having a sensory bag with some items in may help your child. Their sensory bag may include things like ear defenders, fidget toys, phone / tablet, their favourite snack food and drink, a blanket or toy. You could also make a bag for yourself too so you are in a better space for co-regulation to meet their needs.

It is a fun activity to create a sensory bag with your child before an event and take it out with you for everyday things like shopping and visiting friends. This will give your child a chance to become familiar with it and get used to it. The contents of the bag may change over time, but this strategy will help develop independence and self-regulation skills.

Familiarity
Celebrations and events are often full of unpredictability, and this can heighten anxiety. To reduce anxiety, it may help if your child to bring a familiar item with them. This can help with the transition, and it can also help to refocus your child when they are feeling stressed. This item may form part of their sensory bag.

As a parent it may feel difficult to let go of how you feel you 'should' be parenting. You may be worried about what people will think if they see your children sitting using their phones at a party or eating by themselves instead of socialising with others (or any other situation). However, if you discuss your children's needs with friends and family beforehand it will help them understand that certain activities help regulate their sensory system and support good mental health in a situation that could otherwise be quite stressful for them.

Clothes
For some children new party clothes feel too 'different', they add a layer of anxiety to an
already anxious/ stressful situation. This may mean they go to the party wearing a dressing up outfit, an old tracksuit, or a onesie but if they are happy and comfortable then that is the main thing and a wonderful success. Joining in and having an enjoyable time is better than missing out or being dysregulated because of not wearing the 'expected' outfit.

Food
Celebrations often mean lots of different food and drink, new tastes, smells, and sensory
experiences. Bringing food your child is familiar with or letting people know beforehand so they can prepare something your child enjoys may help if your child struggles with new or different food. Some people also find eating in a quieter or different space helpful if it is too busy or noisy, having flexibility will help everyone enjoy the party.

Timing
Having a flexible approach to time will help manage the potential overwhelm that a
celebration or event may create. Depending on your family, it may help to arrive early so it is quieter or perhaps leave early if it starts to get too busy It could help to plan to attend for only a brief time, this will enable you to all go and join in but may be more manageable.

Celebrate in a way that is right for your family.

There is no 'right way' to navigate celebrations and parties, every family has their own unique and diverse needs, and the dynamics of every social event vary. Prior planning and adopting a low demand approach will allow more flexibility and lower everyone’s anxiety. This will help the whole family enjoy the celebration in a way that suits them.

**Article written from my lived experience as a parent and teacher. Knowledge gained
through various personal research and neurodivergent communities. Autistic Realms is a
space for parent support and teacher guidance. I am not a medical professional or
therapist**