Nanny Aut's Top 10 Tips for Happy Holidays

Guest Blogger | Nanny Aut

Top 10 Tips for Happy Holidays

Summer holidays are rapidly approaching, with promises of outings and fun activities. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way, especially if you are autistic AND PDA.

I recall multiple occasions with my young person that would end with me saying “Why did you have to ruin everything? I’m never taking you anywhere, ever again!”

If only I had known then what I do now. 

That their misbehaviour wasn’t a deliberate attempt to sabotage my carefully planned and eagerly anticipated activity - an activity that I was certain would bring them joy. 

That they were struggling and overwhelmed and I hadn’t put plans in place to manage that.

And that my intense reaction wasn’t just embarrassment and disappointment, it was my own Dino Brain responding to having the ‘shape’ of the day destroyed.

So here is the advice I would have given me back then.

1. Less is more. When the holidays come around there is pressure to cram as much into them as possible, to make the most of it. Don’t.

   Quality is preferable over quantity. If too many events are packed in, it’s overwhelming and young people will struggle more and more as the holidays go on and the battery drops to zero.

   Plan just a few things with ample downtime in between to recharge.

2. Go with the flow. Autism is a dynamic disability - there are good days and bad days. Even if you’ve planned an outing for months, even if you have bought tickets in advance, if this is a day when they have low battery/capacity - don’t go. This needs to be a duvet day instead.

   Our brain tells us ‘Think of all the money and planning wasted.’ This is a sunk cost fallacy. The time and money are gone - whether you go or not. But if you go when this is a bad day, they WILL struggle, so the money is still ‘wasted’ only now both child and parent are in distress too.

3. Be prepared. A travel ‘go bag’ for outings saves you having to run around the house trying to remember what you need. In it should be wipes, small towel, items to meet sensory needs (stim toys, scented cloths, ear defenders etc.), plasters and antiseptic wipes, and a battery charger. One person I know carries ‘Out of Order’ signs for toilet hand dryers when out and about.

   Do a risk assessment of the event - where might they struggle and you need to act as a spotter, catching early signs of overwhelm. Where are the exit points, quiet zones etc. if needed quickly.

   Go over what the event is going to look like with the young person, so they have a clear picture in their head. Include alternatives to enable them to change plans more easily.

4. Interests ARE Educational. I was very keen on introducing my young person to new things when they were young. Big mistake.

   If I had paid attention more, I would have realised sooner that they were learning through their interests and that following their interests naturally branched off into new avenues.

   If I had known about monotropism and the need to have a few interests engaged with deeply, rather than the majority polytropic style of wide range of interests at a surface level, I would also have realised that this exposure was pointless.

   If it didn’t connect to their interests, they couldn’t engage. They were bored and pulling away, trying to get back to where their brain COULD engage. Nothing registered.

   However, they were upset and struggling, I was frustrated at their lack of engagement. It created a poor memory around learning, not a positive one.

5. Social Engagement is Different. As someone who grew up on the outside of social situations, it was really important to me that the same didn’t happen to my young person. So, I tried to bring them to big family events with lots of people and activity. It didn’t go well, with them being overwhelmed and the entire family judging me for ‘bad parenting’.

   What DID go well was one-on-one connections - playing with just one cousin, not the group. It gave them the space to connect in a way the bigger groups didn’t.

6. Be aware of Sensory Issues. Every summer, we would have a battle royale over sunscreen. They hated the smell, the texture - and the fact sand stuck to it. But it was important.

   We finally found two options that worked - ‘ONCE’ sunscreen - they still hated it being put on but because it was just once, they were more willing. Plus we put it on at home so no sticky residue by the time we got to the beach. And later, sunscreen wipes.

   I was lucky that my young person had little sensory issues around food, but many autistics do - and holidays away can create challenging eating times if familiar food isn’t available.

   I did learn to make sure there was a play area or somewhere to run safely when eating out. They needed to constantly move, and if they were forced to stay at the table for more than ten minutes, they really began to struggle.

   Knowing your young person’s sensory needs and being proactive in meeting them when out and about, makes a huge difference.

7. Build your spotter skills. No one knows their child like a parent does. We know all their little tells and signs - that little shuffling movement which means the toilet is urgent, the rubbing eyes when they are tired, the extreme giddiness just before they explode.

   What I never realised was that, because of poor interoception, I was more aware of these signals as an observer, than my young person was. Even though this was their experience. They had no idea they were getting tired, thirsty, hungry, overheating, overwhelming or even if they needed the loo. I couldn’t rely on them to notice and manage self-care for themselves.

   However, if I acted as a spotter, remarking on the tells, they were enabled to tune in and check.

8. Create a safe space. This is not always easy when out and about, but when we are away from home, our Panic Monkey (our Health and Safety officer) gets anxious, this is ‘enemy’ territory and unknown and unfamiliar.

   Having familiar items we can ‘anchor’ to, provides reassurance. These could be tangible objects like having your own pillowcases that smell of home, or intangible things like maintaining the same morning and bedtime routines even though you are away.

9. Plan WITH not FOR. The more the young person is included in the planning, the more they can advocate for themselves. And the less guesswork you have to do,

   Plus for PDA’ers it also provides the confidence of control. If they aren’t involved from the start, the outing - however much they might have enjoyed it - is now a demand. Anxiety will be high.

   Planning with, also enables young people to get a clear idea of what’s ahead and that alternatives are covered.

10. Autonomy is KEY. I have saved the most important one for last. Many parents confuse giving autonomy with losing control. And that’s not true. Autonomy is about the ability to self-advocate - to look after our own needs. And that is really important for young people who may not have the words to explain their needs, they just know that it’s a need.

    And to feel safe they need to be confident those needs will be met.

    As adults we can recognise there is a better way to meet that need and we can offer those alternatives, but the choice should still be the young person’s.

    In a holiday situation this means recognising that when they say it’s time to go home - it’s time to go home. Or if they need to eat NOW - they need to eat NOW. Or they want to stay home - they don’t have capacity for ‘out’ today.

    Meeting young people’s needs doesn’t make them selfish and self-centred. Developmentally they WILL be self-centred - but they grow out of that. One who DOESN’T get their needs met is more likely to remain stuck in that self-centred phase because they never learn to trust their needs will be met, and so focus on ways to do so for themselves.

    Holidays can be challenging, but following these 10 tips will make them less so.

    Blog written by Nanny Aut to support the community
    https://www.inside-aut.com/